Don't Be Surprised When the Authorities Get Involved

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My friend wasn't allowed to have a bachelor party because he was
marrying an wretched blackhearted harpy of a woman. So when we ended
up just throwing him a bachelor party anyways (and not telling his
horrible bloodsucking she-devil of a fiancee where we were going), one
of us received this uplifting voice message from her.

A Dumb Dream I Had Once

I was at this couple's house for dinner when their cat jumped up on the table and started rubbing its head against me. I asked what the cat's name was and they say "Mr. Peepers", so I was like "Oh, that's a cute name for a cat, Mr. Peepers." Then they corrected me by saying actually it's "Mr. Preepers". I was so confused as to why they'd name their cat "Mr. Preepers" that I woke up a little bit angry.